One of the books that helped me along the path to recovery is
The Courage To Heal - A Guide For Women Survivors
Of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.
The authors explain that healing is not a random process, that there are recognizable stages that all survivors pass through. They provide you with a map of those stages, enabling you to see where you are, what you've done already, and what's yet to come.
They also specify that healing is not a linear process. A common analogy for the healing process is that it's like a spiral. You go through the same stages again and again. But traveling up the spiral, you pass through them at a different level, with a different perspective. You might spend a year or two dealing intensely with your abuse. Then, you might take a break and focus more on the present. A year or so later, changes in your life -- a new relationship, the birth of a child, graduation from school, or simply an inner urge -- may stir up more unresolved memories and feelings, and you may focus in on it again, embarking on a second or a third or a fourth round of discovery. With each new cycle, your capacity to feel, to remember, to make lasting changes, is strengthened.
Here now are The Stages as presented by Ellen and Laura. Please note that although most of these stages are necessary for every survivor, a few of them -- the emergency stage, remembering the abuse, confronting your family, and forgiveness -- are not applicable for
every woman.
The Decision To Heal
Once you recognize the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when you choose it and are willing to change yourself.
The Emergency Stage
Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage. It won't last forever.
Remembering
Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.
Believing It Happened
Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.
Breaking Silence
Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.
Understanding That It Wasn't Your Fault
Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs -- directly on the shoulders of the abusers.
Making Contact With The Child Within
Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.
Trusting Yourself
The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings, and intuitions forms a new basis for action in the world.
Grieving And Mourning
As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, let go, and move into the present.
Anger - The Backbone Of Healing
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn't protect you, is pivotal to healing.
Disclosures And Confrontations
Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness of the abuser is not an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself.
Spirituality
Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or your support group.
Resolution And Moving On
As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won't erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.
Do I hear "Amen?"
Yeah...Amen!
Hugs and Healing Light,
Mudd
xoxo
P.S.: Questions or not, I'd love to hear from you. Please email me at
anxietybuster@gmail.com or simply click the link on the sidebar.
