A Safe Place To Feel Terrible

I just finished reading Come Here, by Richard Berendzen and Laura Palmer.

And I'm totally shaken by the experience.

Richard Berendzen graduated from Harvard in 1969 with a master's degree in astronomy and an interdisciplinary PhD, and became an assistant professor in physics and astronomy at Boston University. After seven years of teaching in Boston, he moved to Washington where he was offered the job of professor of physics and dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at the American University. This was in 1974. By 1979, at age forty-one, he was elected university president, to take office in January of 1980.

Dr. Richard Berendzen had it all.
Including a loving wife, and two darling daughters.

But Richard also had a dark secret, one that decades of intense studying and workaholism had repressed to the farthest corner of his mind. Not until he was in his early fifties did the secret return to haunt him. Overwhelmed by a flood of forbidden memories, Dr. Berendzen -- the eminent astronomer and academician who had transformed American University from a party school into a first-rate university -- suddenly began making suggestive phone calls, which were traced to his office. Forced to resign his post, he entered the renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital, where he was diagnosed as suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

What was Richard's dark secret?

He had been sexually abused by his mother.

The first time it happened, he was eight years old. On a Sunday afternoon, he ran inside to get a drink of water and was summoned by his mother to enter her room -- the "middle room," as he always refers to it. "Come here," she said. By these two simple words, the terror was unleashed.

Reading about Richard's slow and tortuous recovery process made me relive some of the feelings I had experienced following my own abuse and voyage back to a happy life. Here are chosen passages that particularly struck home:

The next few days became a blur, as I slid into clinical depression. No horror, no hell can equal it. Beyond any physical pain I'd ever known, this agony permeated all of me. I wanted only to stay in my room with the lights off, drapes drawn, and door shut. I wanted to close in on myself, just as a dying star becomes a black hole.
...
And what should I do with my recurring thought of suicide? The alternative to suicide is the will to live. That requires a purpose.
...
They also gave me a booklet on depressive illnesses. I checked off every symptom: loss of appetite, feeling irritable, trouble coping, lack of interest in personal appearance, poor sleep, inability to concentrate, nausea, headaches, feeling hopeless, self-blame, uncontrollable crying, apathy. If it had been a lottery ticket, I would have won with a clean sweep.
...
Rage briefly cut through my depression, which then closed over me as a trap door seals in darkness. There was no escape. I felt frustrated that something existed inside me that I couldn't see and wouldn't show on a CAT scan or X ray. There wasn't a pill to cure it or a shot to ameliorate its effects. It was with me wherever I went; talking in group didn't help, and speaking privately with my doctors still left me in the same place -- depressed and scared by my utter absence of a will to live. My insides felt rotted. My Spartan room was lonely beyond belief. I cared about no one and no one cared about me. Did I feel sorry for myself? You bet. My misery was exacerbated by the inescapable fact that I had brought this on myself. It was all my fault.
...
This is the frustrating aspect of the illness. You can neither control nor escape it. No one can tell you how long it will last or what makes it end. Once it settles over you, it's like smog. The wind may move it, sometimes the Sun pops through, but then, without sound or warning, the depression closes back again. The totality of my circumstance overwhelmed me. Everything I had been, I wasn't any longer. I used to think I had value as a teacher, educator, astronomer, and administrator. Now that was over. When life had no value, it felt hopeless, and hopelessness is kindling for suicide. I hadn't picked a day or a time, but suicide still haunted me. The metaphor that kept coming back was of free-fall. I could see myself falling, falling, falling to the center of the Earth. I thought I had found hell. But would the fall ever end? I kept waiting to hit bottom. How far down could I fall? Each time I thought I was there, I found another level lower. If I could just hit bottom, I might be able to begin the long climb out of the hole.
...
I didn't understand it then and wouldn't for many more months, but ultimately the difference between depression and nondepression, the difference between giving up and going on, is hope. Love is not enough. You have to have hope. I knew my family loved me. Still I had no hope.

Without giving away the punch, let's just say that Richard finally got an "Ah Ha" moment where he decided to "let go." He figured that he had already hit bottom. And that maybe there was no bottom after all. He felt a rush of tranquility. Having relinquished control, he felt more centered and stable. He began to cherish life, to focus not on what he had lost, but on what he still had.

According to some estimates, 60 percent of child abuse victims don't remember the abuse until years later. The trauma resurfaces when many of them are married or in relationships. The trauma can overwhelm the survivor and the partner. It's important to seek professional help at once. Because healing requires words. There is no way around a tragedy or trauma. The only way over is through, and the way you get through is by talking. Friends and family may help, but therapists are essential for anyone who has been profoundly traumatized.

Here are more excerpts...all about hope and healing.

Out of the rotten bleakness of the past year, I finally, tentatively, and hesitantly let myself hope. Healing, which at first seemed like a maze with quick turns and countless barriers, now became a long uphill road.
...
I began to understand how much work is involved in healing -- conscious, deliberate, and demanding work. And its path is not a straight line. It's more like connected dots -- some forward, some not.

Healing is a gift, undoubtedly so. Through healing we mend a broken heart, a shattered spirit, a crushed soul. Although time is the ultimate balm, healing takes more than just time. It takes determination, effort, and support. It takes willingness to fail and to try again. It takes personal resolve and other people's help. It can be frustrating and infuriating. In the end, it can bring satisfaction and peace.
...
I now believe that ways exist to transform almost any pain. Pain is part of life. The great metaphor still holds: Through the pain of childbirth comes life. And throughout life, we all will encounter pain again. Our challenge, then, is not to dread it, but to deal with it, to learn from it. Do we succumb? Turn bitter? Give up? Or do we find ways to overcome it and learn from it? "The mind is seldom quickened to very vigorous operations," Samuel Johnson noted, "except by pain."

I did not set out to transform my pain; I first had to deal with survival. Then, as I realized that I could survive, I knew that living would be worthwhile only if it had meaning and purpose. All this was incremental, but now I see that ultimately healing is about transformation and redemption.

Following his therapy and recovery, Dr. Richard Berendzen faced many more challenges before he resumed his career. To read more about this man's victory over adversity, you can purchase Come Here -- A Man Overcomes the Tragic Aftermath of Childhood Sexual Abuse at Amazon.com

"My strength lies solely
in my tenacity."
- Louis Pasteur

The Practice Of Mindfulness...Your Path To True Happiness

In his book -- Why Is The Buddha Smiling? -- Mark Magill explains how you can eliminate sources of distraction in order to tune in to only that which is truly meaningful.

Through a series of practical exercises, guided meditations, ancient parables, and everyday scenarios, he helps you to face down the daily meanderings of your mind -- not by ignoring the distractions, but by observing them from a place of stillness...the Buddhist place of peace.

If you follow his plan to achieve mindfulness, you will increase your "center of gravity" and discover a life that is much more fulfilling. And in the process, you will eventually understand why the Buddha is smiling.

Here now is an excerpt from Mark Magill's enlightening book, Why Is The Buddha Smiling? -- Mindfulness as a Means of Bringing Calm and Insight to Your Life:

DAILY PRACTICE

We could benefit by a lesson from the bees. They make small but repeated efforts, day in and day out over the course of a summer. Drop by drop, they bring in the nectar of a season's worth of flowers and refine it to its essence. By working steadily, they gain a hive full of honey by the fall.

Patient, steady effort, a little each day, will lead to results. The results we are after may vary from person to person. It depends on your application and your ultimate goal. But the practice of mindfulness will reduce the power of the negative emotions. It will bring greater attention. It will bring you closer to the truth.

If you are fortunate enough to have found a path and a teacher, then you probably have some form of practice. Mindfulness is only one of the tools we use along the way. Its aim is to help us train our minds and turn them toward a positive direction.

These are some suggestions for how you can use this practice in the course of each day.

appreciation

Each day when you awake, you can appreciate the fact that you are alive, that you have one more day to work toward your benefit and that of others. You can remind yourself that this life is rare and precious and you'd like to make the best use of it while you have the opportunity.

meditation

Take a little time before you begin your day to find a quiet moment.

• Sit quietly and steady your mind.
• Come back to yourself.
• Follow your breath.
• Sense yourself in your body. Feel the weight of it.
• Find the stillness you can return to during the day.

Ten minutes is fine, twenty is okay. If you're fortunate to have more time and the desire to use it in this manner, wonderful.

motivation

You can begin your day as you sit by setting your motivation. How to you want to live your life? What do you wish to accomplish? These are your motivations. You may have objectives in the world, to achieve success or provide for your family. You can also have inner goals, to help yourself and others, to become more compassionate, to become more mindful.

intention

You can look ahead to the outer events of your day and set your intention for your inner work. What do you want to pay attention to? What do you wish to consider?

• If you want to develop your attention, you can decide that you will pause each half hour to come back to your self and remember your breath or the sensation of your feet on the floor.
• If you are subject to anger, you can decide you want to try to see the moments when it first arises.
• If you are subject to pride, you might decide to catch those moments when you are advertising yourself again.

recollection

We drift all the time, startled to find our thoughts have carried us a million miles away. As you go through the day, you can use the day's activities as a reminder to bring your attention back to the moment. Any simple act will do. Each time you sit down or stand up; each time you hear a car door slam; each time you think about your next meal. As you start out your day, you can set these "alarm clocks" in your mind to bring you back to your intention.

The author goes on, explaining point by point -- from attention to medication and recognition --, and ends this part of his teachings with the following points:

reflection

As your day draws to a close, take a few quiet moments to reflect on how you spent it. If you can sit still and be silent for a few minutes, all the better.

• Review your day. Did you make good use of your precious time? Did you honor the intentions you set for yourself in the morning?
• Review your thoughts, your speech, and your actions during the day. Did you contribute something positive? If you did, then you can rejoice. Did you cause harm for yourself or others? If so, you can apply the four "Rs": Recognition, Regret, Resolution, and Reparation.
• Take stock of yourself. In Tibetan monasteries, the monks place a handful of white and black pebbles before them. They review their day's actions. For each positive act, they select a white pebble. For each negative act, they choose a black one. At the end, they take a tally. Was this day an improvement over the last?

dedication

Before you turn in, you can dedicate your good work. You have had yet one more day of this precious life. You would like your positive efforts to be of some help and use, both for yourself and others.

You can buy Why Is The Buddha Smiling? at Amazon.com

Women And Childhood Sexual Abuse

Having experienced sexual abuse when I was a child, I'm always drawn to whatever deals with the subject. Here's a book that recently made its way to my attention, "Stolen Tomorrows -- Understanding And Treating Women's Childhood Sexual Abuse."

The author, Steven Levenkron, is a psychotherapist whose works include "Cutting" and "The Anatomy of Anorexia." Together with his wife, cotherapist, and coauthor, Abby Levenkron, he continues to gather facts and inspiration from the many patients he sees in his New York office.

Here's a summary of the case histories Steven Levenkron writes about in his book:

Cassie

Then: Cassie was a seven-year-old compliant daughter. Her mother was a full-time housewife, and her father, a general surgeon, was a pillar of the community. From ages seven to eleven, Cassie was raped at night in her bed by her father.

Now: Cassie is a fifty-two-year-old mother and wife who spent dozens of years cheating on her husband while raising their daughter. She came to me for help dealing with her behavioral problems, which had led to neglecting her daughter. Cassie always has a terrified look on her face.

Olivia

Then: Olivia was a shy, five-year-old girl learning penmanship in the first grade, living with her mother and stepfather, a wealthy businessman. He nightly molested her while telling her it was good for her. This went on for five years.

Now: She is married, thirty-two, and incapable of being sexually aroused. Her husband is divorcing her. They have no children.

Adrienne

Then: Adrienne was a happy five-year-old until her uncle began molesting her, under water, while swimming at the southern beach where both families lived. In all her childhood photos she is frowning.

Now: Adrienne, at twenty, dates boys who exploit her, drinks to excess, and uses combinations of drugs to attempt to sleep at night. She was raped as a teen, has had anorexia for two years, dropped out of college, and is generally depressed. (Anorexia nervosa, often simply called anorexia, is an eating disorder in which the person drastically restricts her food intake, becoming dangerously thin out of a distorted fear of becoming fat. Untreated, the person may die of starvation.)

Audrey

Then: Audrey remembers first being molested on a changing table when she was an infant and later, as a child aged five to eight, by her father. She remembers being aroused and experiencing what she later learned was an orgasm. She felt a peculiar attachment to her father that she did not understand.

Now: Audrey dropped out of high school when she was sixteen. She had no girl friends and turned to boys for friendship and sex. She went through a period of anorexia nervosa. She came to treatment at age twenty-four. She uses cocaine and marijuana, and drinks alcohol to excess, sometimes in combination. She cannot keep a regular job and frequently becomes verbally and physically enraged at others.

Jen

Then: Jen represents an unusual case in that what she experienced was not intentionally perpetrated abuse. She was diagnosed as suffering from urinary reflux, which causes urine to back up to the kidneys, leading to frequent kidney infections. Unchecked this would eventually damage her kidneys, requiring surgery. In an attempt to avoid surgery, the urologist catheterized Jen from ages seven to eleven, on a monthly basis for several hours. She found this treatment embarrassing, terrifying, and painful -- in short, she experienced it as sexual assault. At eleven, Jen had to undergo the deferred surgery anyway.

Now: At nineteen, Jen cuts herself and dresses seductively. In her relationships with men, she is dependent and they treat her sadistically. She is a compulsive shopper, and despite the unlimited financial resources of her family, she also shoplifts, for which she has been arrested once. She dissociates (losing conscious awareness of her surroundings) for hours at a time, suffers from derealization (feeling unable to be present in the moment or current situation), and blacks out. She crashed the family car during one such episode. Her feelings about people change mercurially from liking them to disliking them.

June

Then: From five to twelve years of age, June was molested by her brother. In addition, he drilled holes in her bathroom wall to spy on her. The molestation was done in a seductive manner, and she experienced arousal during these episodes. At other times he would physically abuse her, tie her up, and hit her. Her brother's treatment of her was inconsistent: he would praise her when she brought home good grades.

Now: June came to treatment for anorexia at age twenty-seven. She explained she is only attracted to abusive men, some of whom exploit her financially. She is in the process of divorcing her husband. Kind men do not arouse her sexually. At our second session she tells me she fears I will become bored with her, will dislike her, will decide not to treat her, and will abuse her. (Despite her fears, she stays in treatment continuously for seven years.)

It boggles my mind how many of the different reactions to abuse listed above I've lived through and was plagued with over the years. Though I haven't been in a relationship since I've undergone therapies and finally healed my soul, one thing I know for sure is that I won't go back to anything less than a comfortable, loving, tender, full of fun and laughs, spiritual connection with a mate. And if the Universe has other plans...if I should remain single for the rest of my life...at least I LOVE MYSELF and have regained the self-esteem I was born with.

AMEN to that, Sisters!

P.S.: You'll find "Stolen Tomorrows" at Amazon.com.

Managing Panic Attacks -- You Can Do It!

Rate Your Anxiety Level

According to the McKinley Health Center, you can manage your panic attacks by rating your anxiety level. Doing this exercise regularly will help you understand and manage your symptoms.

Here are the common signs and symptoms:

• Shortness of breath
• Dizziness, unsteadiness, or faintness
• Trembling or shaking
• A feeling of choking
• Sweating
• Nausea and abdominal distress
• Blurry vision
• Depersonalization, or a feeling of unreality - as if you are "not all there"
• Numbness or tingling in hands and feet
• Hot and cold flashes
• Chest pain and discomfort
• Fears of losing control or even death

Coping techniques include deep breathing:

• Practice slow, gentle breathing on a regular basis, even when you are not feeling anxious. This will help you when you really do need to implement this practice.
• Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose, expanding your diaphragm. A good tip is your stomach should rise and then fall as you exhale through your mouth.
• When you exhale, use positive self-talk. Tell yourself, "I am relaxed and calm."
• After a few moments, your symptoms may not be as severe as they originally were. This is because you have lowered your anxiety level and are beginning to relax.
• Practice this style of breathing two or three times per day.
• Breathing properly can be one of the most important factors in managing the symptoms of anxiety.

For more information on how to rate your anxiety, consult Anxiety and Panic: What You Need to Know

Also, check out the Self-rating Anxiety Scale and answer 20 questions related to the frequency of various symptoms.

Manage Your Stress

Elisabeth Scott's take on breathing and how it can help you overcome anxiety is another site to visit if you are willing to take the time and make the necessary efforts to free yourself from panic attacks.

A life coach, writer, wife, mother, pianist, and Mensa member, Elisabeth is also a karate enthusiast. She says that all it takes are a few minutes, a quiet place, and a willing mind to get yourself on the road to freedom. Here's her simple karate breathing meditation:

1. Sit in a comfortable position. While most martial artists use the ‘seiza’ (“say zah”) position, with legs beneath the buttocks with knees directly in front, many people find this position to be uncomfortable. If this is the case, you may also sit cross-legged ('anza') or in another position that’s more comfortable for you.
2. Close your eyes, but keep your back straight, shoulders relaxed, head up, your eyes (behind your lids) focused ahead.
3. Take a deep, cleansing breath, expanding your belly and keeping your shoulders relaxed, and hold it in for the count of six. Exhale, and repeat twice more. Then breathe normally, and focus your attention on your breathing. As you breathe, inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth, still expanding your belly rathern than moving your shoulders up and down.
4. If your thoughts drift toward the stresses of the day ahead or of the day behind you, gently refocus on your breathing and remain in the present moment. Feel the air move in, and feel the air move out. That’s it.
5. Continue this for as little or as long as you like, and you should notice that your body is more relaxed and your mind is more centered. Enjoy the rest of your day!

Be sure to read her tips concerning the karate meditation.