TOXIC SHAME

Rummaging through my boxes of documents yesterday, I was surprised and delighted to find this book, which I call a classic: HOMECOMING - Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child.

The author, John Bradshaw, was my very first Personal Development Guru. Back when HOMECOMING came out -- in 1990 -- he was already referred to as "America's Leading Personal Growth Expert." The creator and host of four nationally broadcast PBS television series based on his best-selling books, Mr. Bradshaw introduced the concept of the "Wounded Inner Child", and familiarized us with the term "dysfunctional family."

His works include, among others, Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion, The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem, Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of Growth, and Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition.

You can view a wide selection of his books at Amazon.com.

For John Bradshaw's schedule of lectures and workshops, visit the Center for Creative Growth.

Here now is what I find a very touching excerpt from HOMECOMING. It ends a chapter dealing with the spiritual wound caused by sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I hope it resonates with you also.

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother's shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any bounderies
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soul
I pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,
worhtlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I existed before conscience
Before guilt
Before morality
I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation
I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I live in secrecy
In the deep moist banks of darkness, depression, and despair
Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door
Uninvited unwanted
The first to arrive
I was there at the beginning of time
With Father Adam, Mother Eve
Brother Cain
I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect -- perfectionistic systems
I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage
The cruel remarks of siblings
The jeering humiliation of other children
The awkward reflection of the mirrors
The touch that feels icky and frightening
The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust
I am intensified by
A racist, sexist culture
The righteous condemnation of religious bigots
The fears and pressures of schooling
The hypocrisy of politicians
The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I bring a pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me
But you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others
through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,
envy, judgment, power, and rage
My pain is so intense
You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,
and unconscious ego defenses
My pain is so intense
That you must numb out and no longer feel me
I convinced you that I am gone -- that I do not exist -- you
experience absence and emptiness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I am the core of co-dependency
I am spiritual bankruptcy
The logic of absurdity
The repetition compulsion
I am crime, violence, incest, rape
I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions
I am insatiability and lust
I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,
Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer,
Goethe's Faust
I twist who you are into what you do and have
I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

Winter Blues

They call it SAD.

And indeed it can be...very sad.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is recognized today as a distinct form of depression. It is a proven fact that changes in the weather and the seasons alter our brain chemistry and can affect how we feel, how we sleep, what we eat, and how well we cope with the everyday demands of our careers and relationships.

Some people feel as though they have entered a period of hibernation: overeating, oversleeping, and withdrawing from the world. Others lose their appetites and find themselves restless and agitated.

In its milder forms, we call SAD the "winter blues."
In its most severe forms, it can render one
virtually dysfunctional.

Millions of people feel the effects of SAD, but four
times as many women than men are likely to be
afflicted by it. Adults between the ages of twenty
and forty are the most susceptible.

Are you SAD?

Take this test to find out.

WHEN THE SEASONS CHANGE:

1. Do you find you have less energy than usual?

2. Do you feel less productive or creative?

3. Do you feel sad, down, or depressed?

4. Do you feel less enthusiastic about the future
or enjoy your life less?

5. Do you need more sleep than usual?

6. Do you feel you have no control over your
appetite or your weight?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be one of the many men and women who suffer from seasonal affective disorder.

But do not despair, there is hope in the air!

A pioneer in the field of seasonal studies, Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal has written Seasons of the Mind, Why You Get The Winter Blues & What You Can Do About It. Dr. Rosenthal describes his remarkable "light therapy" and offers inspiring case histories of its success with hundreds of SAD patients. He explains how to assess your own level of SAD, when to seek medical advice, and how to secure your own light therapy.

Also included are alternative treatments, a diet plan to curb cravings unique to SAD sufferers, advice for family and friends of SAD individuals, and practical tips and professional advice on living with SAD.

Here is an excerpt:

MORE LIGHT

The benefit of increasing environmental light can be obtained not only from formal therapy in front of a light box, but whenever your environment is brighter. Some people have several light boxes in the house, which gives them more exposure without the feeling of being trapped in one location. It is not critical for the extra light to come from special boxes. Enhancing light levels at home or in the workplace may be helpful, even if this is accomplished by installing more lights on the ceiling or placing more lamps in the room.

Modifications of the home to increase indoor light levels may be as simple as trimming hedges around the windows or low-lying branches of trees near the house, or as elaborate as constructing skylights. Using bright colors and surfaces can also be effective. Dark wood paneling can be replaced with light-colored wallpaper. Splashes of yellow and orange on curtains and cushions seem to be popular with some people, while others choose white or off-white carpeting and furnishings. SAD patients buying new homes should pay attention to the size of the windows and the directions that the rooms face.

Exposure to natural light can be both enjoyable and therapeutic. This applies to lunchtime walks on sunny winter days or sunlight reflected from snow. Some people have chosen to work the evening shift, which allows them to enjoy as much outdoor sunshine as possible.

Once you pay attention to the amount and quality of your environmental light, you will come up with all kinds of ways to enhance it, which will help you feel more comfortable and cheerful.

Available at Amazon.com

Also from the same author, Winter Blues.

Revised and udated, available at Amazon.com

Mood Therapy

"In clear, simple language, FEELING GOOD, The New Mood Therapy, outlines a drug-free cure for anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression."

What an introduction! After reading David D. Burns' book, I must say it does contain a treasure of information and tips to help you discover how to:

• Recognize what causes your mood swings
• Nip negative feelings in the bud
• Deal with guilt
• Handle hostility and criticism
• Overcome love and approval addiction
• Beat "do-nothingism" ( LOVE that term!)
• Defuse anger
• Overcome perfectionism
• Cope with stress
• Avoid downward spiral of depression
• Build self-esteem
• Feel good every day

Here's a good excerpt -- and food for thought...

Ten Things You Should Know About Your Anger

1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your "hot thoughts" create your anger. Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning you attach to it that determines your emotional response.

The idea that you are responsible for your anger is ultimately to your advantage because it gives you the opportunity to achieve control and make a free choice about how you want to feel. If it weren't for this, you would be helpless to control your emotions; they would be irreversibly bound up with every external event of this world, most of which are ultimately out of your control.

2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. It will immobilize you, and you will become frozen in your hostility to no productive purpose. You will feel better if you place your emphasis on the active search for creative solutions. What can you do to correct the difficulty or at least reduce the chance that you'll get burned in the same way in the future? This attitude will eliminate to a certain extent the helplessness and frustration that eat you up when you feel you can't deal with a situation effectively.

If no solution is possible because the provocation is totally beyond your control, you will only make your self miserable with your resentment, so why not get rid of it? It's difficult if not impossible to feel anger and joy simultaneously. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think about one of the happiest moments of your life. Now ask yourself, How many minutes of that period of peace or jubilation would I be willing to trade in for feeling frustration and irritation instead?

3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not will contain distortions. Correcting these distortions will reduce your anger.

4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and if the act is seen as intentional.

5. If you learn to see the world through other people's eyes, you will often be surprised to realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these cases turns out to be an illusion that exists only in your mind! If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice, and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your resentment and frustration will vanish.

6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore, your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals in your interactions with them. Your rage will often just cause further deterioration and polarization, and will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want, any short-term gains from such hostile manipulation will often be more than counterbalanced by a long-term resentment and retaliation from the people you are coercing. No one likes to be controlled or forced. This is why a positive reward system works better.

7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self-esteem when people criticize you, disagree with you, or fail to behave as you want them to. Such anger is always inappropriate because only your own negative distorted thoughts can cause you to lose self-esteem. When you blame the other guy for your feelings of worthlessness, you are always fooling yourself.

8. Frustration results from unmet expectations. Since the event that disappointed you was a part of "reality," it was "realistic." Thus, your frustration always results from your unrealistic expectation. You have the right to try to influence reality to bring it more in line with your expectations, but this is not always practical, especially when these expectations represent ideals that don't correspond to everyone else's concept of human nature. The simplest solution would be to change your expectations.

For example, some unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration include:

a. If I want something (love, happiness, a promotion, etc.), I deserve it.

b. If I work hard at something, I should be successful.

c. Other people should try to measure up to my standards and believe in my concept of "fairness."

d. I should be able to solve any problems quickly and easily.

e. If I'm a good wife, my husband is bound to love me.

f. People should think and act the way I do.

g. If I'm nice to someone, they should reciprocate.

9. It is just childish pouting to insist you have the right to be angry. Of course you do! Anger is legally permitted in the United States. The crucial issue is -- is it to your advantage to feel angry? Will you or the world really benefit from your rage?

10. You rarely need your anger in order to be human. It is not true that you will be an unfeeling robot without it. In fact, when you rid yourself of that sour irritability, you will feel greater zest, joy, peace, and productivity. You will experience liberation and enlightenment.

You can buy the book at Barnes & Noble.

There's even a Feeling Good Handbook.

Here's how Barnes and Noble describes it: Filled with charts, quizzes, weekly self-assessment tests, and a daily mood log, The Feeling Good Handbook actively engages its readers in their own recovery. With a new section on the latest prescription drugs for treating depression and anxiety disorders, The Feeling Good Handbook is an indispensable guide to help change thinking, control mood swings, deal with disasters, and feel better about yourself and those around you.

So next time you feel anger coming on,
think about Feeling Good instead!

Love you,
Mudd
xoxox

Pity Parties

In her book -- I'D RATHER LAUGH, How to Be Happy Even When Life Has Other Plans for You -- Linda Richman teaches us that the human spirit is always capable of laughter, even after great sorrow.

Wayne W. Dyer: "Linda Richman's life proves what wise people have always known -- that every person can create and sustain joy. She also shows, beautifully and with a heart and soul filled with love, that the search for meaning starts and ends with you."

The following excerpt is taken from Chapter 6:

How to Throw a Pity Party

"People think that because I have endured a lot of pain I will have a great deal to say on the subject, including a few words of magic healing.

They're out of luck.

Here's all I know about pain: Nobody wants any, and everybody gets some. That's all anybody knows about pain right there in one little sentence.

You sure don't want any, am I correct? And no wonder! Pain hurts.

...

People ask me, "When the pain gets too hard to bear, how do you fight it?"

"I don't," I say.

"You don't?"

"I give in," I tell them.

"You what?"

"I give in," I say.

If I wake up and feel down and sad and depressed, I explain, I cancel everything for the next day or so. I don't take a shower, and I don't wash my hair. I don't even leave my bed except when nature requires me to. I grab two bags of potato chips, I pull the covers over my head, and I lie there feeling sorry for myself. I weep. I curse. I suffer -- not just a little. A lot. I suffer as much as is humanly possible. I suffer more in two days than most people do in a year. I do everything I can to make myself feel as bad and sad as possible.

Nobody throws a pity party like I do.

"And then what happens?" they ask.

"On the third day," I tell them, "I get up."

"You get up?"

On the third day, I say, whether I want to or not, I get out of bed, I take a shower, I wash my hair, I put on makeup and get the hell out of the house. That's the key to the whole thing. That's my brilliant solution. You allow yourself to behave like an insane person for exactly two days. Two days is healthy. Two days is healing.

Three days is dangerous.

Two days is a beneficial method of dealing with your pain so you can get over it a little. Three days is a running start on the road to agoraphobia -- take it from someone who's been there and done that. So on the third day, like Jesus Christ, you get up, get dressed, get going.

"Huh!" they say. Sometimes their mouths hang open a little.

It sounds like the worst advice any sad person has ever gotten, doesn't it? It sounds like a good excuse to let your troubles turn you into a zombie. But it has the opposite effect. Rather than spend every day feeling halfway undone by sadness and depression, rather than go through life always feeling gloomy and preoccupied by loss, I pack most of my suffering into just a few days. Those pity parties have an amazingly positive influence on the rest of my life. I always leave those parties feeling great.

The idea for pity parties came to me from something I learned during the therapy that cured my agoraphobia. The shrinks told us that if we wanted to conquer our fears, we had to flood our emotions with them. Instead of protecting ourselves from anxiety -- which is a natural impulse, isn't it? -- we had to practically bathe in it. Because you can't live in extreme terror all the time. Your mind just can't operate that way.

I use the same general principle at my pity parties. There are certain days of the year when I really feel the sadness and pain of losing Jordan (1) most sharply. On those days, I don't try to fight it. I don't tell myself to be brave and strong and responsible. I just give in. I bathe my brain in pity.

But you really have to do it right. You have to suffer like nobody ever suffered. A few sniffles and some staring out the window won't do it. You've got to drop the bomb on yourself. You've got to scorch the earth."

(1) Jordon is Linda's son who was killed in an auto accident at age 29.

Want to read some more? Go to Excerpts.

To buy the book, go to Amazon.com.

It's even out in DVD, as a 60-minute program.

Buy it from Video Universe -- here's what they say about it:

Linda Richman, Summa cum Laude graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, and inspiration for the SNL sketch "Coffee Talk" (she's Mike Myer's mother-in-law), hosts this program designed to help those experiencing personal harships. Ms. Richman shares her own experiences, and in doing so, she offers valuable advice on how to weather stress, life altering transitions, and loss, aided by her distinct and empowering sense of humor. Originally a PBS special, this version included footage that never aired with the original program.

Lots of love and laughs,
Mudd
xoxox

technorati tags:depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, loss, healing